Happy Birthday Barbie.

Jump under the cut! Women tend to have a love-hate relationship with Barbie. A lot I know hate her. Me? Well, for some weird reason, I just love her. I still collect dolls and action figures, and I never, ever saw Barbie as some forced ideal or Blonde Goddess that I had to become. Maybe I had a nice solid upbringing by a feminist mother, but to me, I always thought Barbie's proportions to be laughable and just easier to get clothes on. I much prefered Hasbro's moulds for their Jem dolls. At the young age of 9 I lauded their realistic design to my family.

"Look, Mummy!" I said. "Her boobs are normal! That's what boobs look like!"

And I still prefer my Jem dolls to this day. But I can't ignore what a huge and positive impact Barbie had in my life.

She could be anything. In the Barbie aisle of the toy store, I'd be in awe. She was a cook, a horse rider, a tennis player, a princess, a pop singer, a business woman, a mother (I didn't realise that the babies and the little girl Barbies were supposed to be her sisters at the time). It didn't occur to me that she wasn't a construction worker, or a head of a company, or some other traditionally male role. It never even entered my mind that Ken was somehow essential to her existence. I felt more than he was an accessory, as was her horse and her friends and her deliciously deep pink 87 corvette (which I still own, buffed, additionally decorated with remote control car decals as it is).

The thing that I loved about Barbie, the thing that I remember and still love, is that the bitch had choices, damn it. She had opportunities. And sure, there are huge problems with her image and the inherent sexism in the marketing, but I can't ignore the fact that Mattel have at least *attempted* to be politically correct. I'm undoubtedly cynical as to the reasons why, but those are things for us to worry about - the grown ups.

Kids don't know about profit. They don't know about marketing image. They don't know about women's rights or any of those things, not really. I didn't.

All I knew was that Barbie was a beautiful doll who had friends and could go on adventures. She was *my* dollie, who I could put in any outfit I could scrounge together with scraps of material or, if I was very lucky, new clothes bought for me at either Christmas or my birthday. Yeah, I was frustrated with her shortcomings - her waist was too small, her feet were too tiny and her boobs didn't sit right. But that's okay, she was only a plastic dolly and not a *real* person.

Barbie, for me, was an avatar. An avatar where I could explore my dreams and my ambitions. I can't see anything bad about a little girl doing that. Should these dolls be more realistic with their body image? Hell yes. Mattel has got a lot of shit they need to sort out.

I can't blame them solely for something that is ingrained into our very culture. Before Barbie, us girls had baby dolls to take care of. Since Barbie, we've had a doll that's had jobs, friends, opportunities, dreams and *choice*. I can't ignore that, and I can't turn my back on a beloved thing of my childhood.

I loved my first Barbie doll. I still have her. Half her hair fell out from me brushing it too much. She's very tan and blonde, as was the fashion from the early 80s. I remember being with Dad when he bought her. I was so excited. She had pool parties and she was a rock star. She had a love affair with my brother's 12" C3P0 toy and struggled with the reality of dating a sentient robot. (Yeah, I was a strange kid). And she fell off cliffs a lot. Had to get saved. Yeah, I dunno.

She was a childhood friend and a tool of my imagination. I still cherish her to this day.

Happy Birthday, Barbie.

Fuck you, I'm a Lady.

Jump under the cut!

If there's one thing I hate in this world, (and there's actually a lot of things I hate but let's stick to the subject), it's the concept of 'being a lady'. Now, don't get this confused with good manners and being a decent human being. I'm all for that shit. Eat nicely at the table, open doors for other people behind you, say 'Please' and 'Thank you', and all that jazz. It was strongly encouraged in my upbringing to be kind and courteous. This is supposed to be universal, and is actually a key way to guarantee that children we have don't grow up to be total assholes.

But there's a certain brand of ettiquette that is pushed upon us women. It's different to what is expected of men. It can be seen in reality TV shows such as "Charm School" and "From Ladette to Lady". Expectations and restrictions are placed upon us, and the most horrible and cruellest thing is done to us when this happens – they hold our humanity for ransom.

Behave, they say, or you are not a respectable lady. If you are not a respectable lady, you are worth nothing at all. You will deserve all the scorn, disrespect and disregard that society can throw at you.

It starts with things like not being able to swear, ever, or raise our voices, or show anger or be opinionated. It extends to things like not being able to speak about our sexualities without being labelled easy or a whore. Sex with whomever we like and on our own terms is also a no-no in the Lady Game, as is showing any sort of superiority to men. We're just not allowed to be better at anything, the poor male ego can't take it.

I'm sure a lot of you have stories of finding yourself in a situation that has you thinking, "Man, I must be a total guy because I'm nothing like what people expect me to be as a woman."

I think a great example of the Lady phenomenon is two very different movie stars: Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe.

Hepburn was the quintissential elegant lady. Thin, soft-spoken, fragile looking.

Monroe, however, was curvy, flirtatious, self-confident and openly sensual.

Ignoring the personal lives of these women (who I both admire and love dearly), I'm focusing on the public opinion of these women, the perception that has lived on. Women often say they would like to be like Hepburn. Women also want to be like Monroe, but often these are women in 'sexpot' roles in the media, like Scarlett Johanssen, Anna Nicole-Smith and Christina Aguileria. You can't be Monroe and be sophisticated or respected for your mind. You can't be Hepburn if you have a loud mouth and an opinion.

I'm simplifying it a lot for the sake of brevity, but I think you see my point. I have been called a lot of things for my behaviour. I've also been disrespected by men assuming things about me because I am not a shy retiring flower.

Every time it happens, I say the same thing. "Excuse me, I'm a lady!"

And I am. I am a lady because I have a mind and a heart. I am a lady because I care about the world and the people in it. I have as much dignity, charm and finesse as any self-restrained woman of virtue, I just choose to damn the torpedoes and let my natural personality flow free. (Please note I have absolutely no scorn for women who do choose to live a certain way – I'm all for women living however the bloody hell they choose. My point is that we shouldn't be given shit for choosing to live differently).

I think it's time women redefine the concept of being a 'lady'. I think it should be about valuing the power of our womanhood, the diverse and amazing thing that it is, and hopefully encouraging behaviour that not only betters ourselves, but the world around us. Kindness. Courtesy. Compassion. Thoughtfulness. These are the things we should aspire to.

We should also tell those that try to define our worth with a dry set of behavioural rules, "Fuck you. I'm a lady."

And being a lady can be whatever we want it to be.